Or does my child need help regulating?

Regulation is a young child’s ability to manage their emotions, attention, energy, and behavior well enough to respond to what’s happening around them.

For young children, this skill is still developing. When they become overwhelmed, tired, frustrated, overstimulated, hungry, or emotionally upset, it can become much harder to use skills they may normally have.

That’s why a child can follow a direction perfectly one day—and completely fall apart over the same request the next.

“Won’t” and “can’t right now” can look very similar

Imagine asking a child to clean up and come to the table.

They yell “NO!”, throw a toy and run away.

It would be easy to immediately label that behavior as defiance. And sometimes a child really is testing a boundary or choosing not to comply.

But before deciding how to respond, consider what happened before the behavior.

Was the child deeply engaged in play?
Did the transition happen suddenly?
Are they tired or hungry?
Has it been a particularly stimulating day?
Are they already frustrated?
Do they understand exactly what you're asking them to do?

Understanding the reason behind a behavior doesn't mean accepting the behavior. It helps us decide what we need to teach.

Regulation does NOT mean “letting them get away with it”

This is an important section because I think parents will immediately wonder about this.

You could write:

Helping a child regulate doesn't mean removing expectations, avoiding consequences, or allowing unsafe behavior.

We can be compassionate and maintain a boundary.

“I won't let you hit me. You're really angry. I'm going to help you calm your body.”

Both things can be true: the behavior isn't okay AND the child needs our help.

What can I do in the moment?

Give parents something extremely practical:

1. Regulate yourself first.
Lower your voice, slow down and avoid adding more intensity to an already intense situation.

2. Use fewer words.
A dysregulated preschooler probably doesn't need a five-minute explanation. Try short, clear language: “You're safe. I'm here. We aren't hitting.”

3. Hold the boundary.
Helping a child regulate doesn't mean changing every expectation because they're upset.

4. Meet the immediate need when appropriate.
Movement, quiet, connection, food, rest, sensory input or simply a few minutes to transition may help.

5. Teach after the storm.
Once they're calm, that's when you can practice what to do differently next time.

That last point could become one of your recurring PreK PlayLab phrases:

Regulate first. Teach second.

What skill might be missing?

This would make your content different from generic parenting posts.

Instead of asking only “How do I stop this behavior?”, encourage adults to ask:

“What skill does this child need me to teach?”

Running away during cleanup might point toward difficulty with transitions.

Hitting when another child takes a toy might point toward communication, impulse control, or coping skills.

Melting down when something doesn't work might point toward frustration tolerance.

Constantly getting out of a seat may mean the expectation needs adjusting or the child needs opportunities for movement.

Refusing a multi-step direction may mean the direction needs to be broken into smaller steps.

Behavior gives us information.

Try This Today:

“How do I make this stop?”

First ask:

“What happened right before this?”
“What might my child need right now?”
“What skill can I teach when they're calm?”